Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT