Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop