Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

journal

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

the saddest jazz hands ever

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.