Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.