Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
This made me smile…
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.