Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

realest tweet ever.

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Go gym

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon