Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Safety first

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit