Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?