As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
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BaD BoY!!
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Mission: Impossible
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen