Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing