Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates