Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.