Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.
Don’t care what your religious or political beliefs are, if you’re male or female, young or old. I will tackle you hard for that last donut.
You Might Also Like
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
-Me, on a Tuesday
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW