don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
🏙👨🏼
