Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Ghost costume 😂

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

When you have to use a public restroom.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.