Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
A leaf blower, but for people.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …