Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
they really do be looking like this
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.