Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?