Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.