Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.