Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((