Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
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OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”