Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
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[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
a McRib killed my tapeworm
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My flabber has been gasted.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.