Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

I triple waxed for this?

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

I’m sorry…what?

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

[eulogy]

line?

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”