“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.