Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
You Might Also Like
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness