Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
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Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.