Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
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These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/