Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
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I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Morning my dudes.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.