Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

I am HOWLING at this

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.