Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

So many pants.
So little yoga.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.