Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
me adding lol on a serious message
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.