Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
logging onto twitter…
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down