Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window