Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
mumsnet is amazing
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that