Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?