Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
When your parents check you’re ok.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
thank god the sign was there
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”