Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice