Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
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Nigella has gone too far this time.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Buying a well is money well spent.