Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
You Might Also Like
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.