Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

I wish I were this cool 😂

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

buying dead houseplants to save time