Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
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Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.