Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
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I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was