Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Going into Monday like

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

hey, alexa

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.