Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
A comic by Dan Piraro
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..