Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.


Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…


You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.


me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!


[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.


i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly


The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line


To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce


My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing


People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.