Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
What an awful time to have common sense.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
HOW DARE YOU
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run: