Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
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The answer is funnier than the question
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.