Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
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You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show