Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
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[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I remember when things only cost an arm.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.