Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
True.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?