Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
You Might Also Like
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Probably my best painting.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.