Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.