Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350