Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
You Might Also Like
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.