Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.