Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

A recipe for laughter

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35