Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
You Might Also Like
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?