Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Printer ink is expensive
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
At least he brought enough for everyone
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂