Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

PARKOUR

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

She puts the hot in psychotic

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.