Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss