Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Happy Thanksgiving
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator