Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

So sorry

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.