Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.