Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it