don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
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*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.