Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.