Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

phew

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Bread puns are on the rise!

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.