Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

can’t talk my ride’s here

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

The internet is magic sometimes.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Joseph Smith, 1833

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

This is true.