Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I need this for my side hustle.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What even happened today?
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill