Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*