Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
tfw you realize …
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who