Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”