Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
yes… yes…
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Saw your ex at the shops
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana