Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Ferrari squats
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.