don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
😭😭😭
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”